"I can't take my shirt off! You do it, Mama."
"I can't ride my scooter! I can't!"
"I can't glue the ribbon on!"
I feel frustrated by my son's "I can't" claims. I don't believe that he's saying this to be difficult, but my questions about any deeper meaning don't give easy answers:
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Is my son in a certain mood? I have not been able to isolate a particular time of day or night or whether he was hungry, tired, upset, bored, or content.
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Am I asking my son to do too much? His "can't" is sometimes in response to something I've asked him to do but not always, so it doesn't seem to stem from request overload. When my son claims he "can't," it's always about a skill or activity that I know he can do and often does without prompting, so the "can't" doesn't follow inability.
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Does my son really think he can't? The frequency of him saying "I can't" worries me about his developing self esteem, but there are other times when he happily follows through on the same requests without any complaints.
Not having figured out a pattern to address, I turned to my wise mama friends for how to compassionately respond to my son the next time he claims "I can't." Here are the ideas that are working well for us:
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Offer a break - If my son has been working at a task for a long time, especially a mentally intense activity or if he's developing a new skill, sometimes I need to provide a distraction. For example: "Would you like to help me water the flowers for a few minutes?"
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Stay present - Sometimes my son's "I can't" coincides when I'm distracted. I've learned that keeping my attention on him, especially during a challenging activity, can be enough. For example: "I can see that you're working hard on it! I'm here if you need me."
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Give extra attention - I've learned that when my son seems to be regressing on skills, such as a 3 year old that has lost the ability to feed himself or a 4 year old who suddenly can't undress himself, his "I can't" is code for needing extra hugs and cuddles.
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Reassess my request - Sometimes looking back, I think I have asked too much of my son sometimes. It may not be that I asked him to do something that he can't actually do, but that I've divvied out so many requests that he feels he's giving more than he can receive. We all need a balance of give and take.
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Brainstorm solutions together - Rather than rush to fix my son's upset feelings, I have learned to bring him into the problem-solving process and trust that he can help come up with his own solutions. For example: "Maybe it's the carpet. Is there another place you'd like to try to stack your blocks?"
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Help - There are times when my son is tired, hungry, or overwhelmed and does not have the patience for brainstorming solutions. For example: "How can I help you dress your doll?"
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Redirect - Often my son's "I can't" comes out when there seems to be a fear of failure. Rather than hushing him and dismissing his fears, I'm practicing how to identify the fear and reassure him while also encouraging him to tackle that fear. For example: "You can catch the ball. I've seen you! See, sometimes I miss the ball, too. Let's both practice a couple more times."
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Focus on his effort - I've found the adage to "focus on the process, not the product" to be helpful in reminding me to help my son shift his focus. For example: "You've been concentrating very hard on that drawing!"
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Be silly - Another way to distract my son is to turn a frustrating moment into a playful parenting opportunity. For example: "I can't take off my shoes, either! I forgot how to untie my shoelaces. Whatever will I do? I will have to wear them to bed! In the shower! Help!"
My gut reaction is often to feel annoyed when my son says "I can't," and I have to remember to take a moment before responding. I take a couple extra breaths and remind myself that what my son is feeling is normal. Adults do the same thing! When a woman is in labor, it's common to hear her say, "I can't do this anymore!" and for her support person to respond, "but you're already doing it!"
We all feel like we can't sometimes. Is it more helpful to hear someone respond exasperatedly or with an offer to help?
This is what I keep in mind when my son says "I can't" one more time.
