Attachment (aka, the warm relationship between a child and his/her parents) is foundational for families, and child outcome. We explore why attachment matters so much and how nurturing is integral to secure parent-child attachment.
The importance of a secure parent-child attachment is not a revelation: This is what sets the foundation for all future relationships a child will have in his or her life. But there is something to be said for relationship security between siblings.
A connected relationship between brothers and sisters also provides a foundational context: It is an opportunity to develop the groundwork for peer relationships in a child's life.
The good news is, it's never too late to restore secure attachment with your child and that secure attachment can be cultivated at any time. When you begin to cultivate the roots of secure attachment, there's a good chance your child will spontaneously respond and depend on you for the fulfillment of his attachment needs.
Just as you "fall in love," you can "fall out of love," or in this case, secure attachment.
We have come to think of teenage rebellion, a casting off of parental values and lifestyle and sometimes even of the parents themselves, as normal.
Teenage rebellion is so pervasive, but nature never intended this aberration to occur.
I sometimes think of the teenage years as an "attachment test."
As I reflect on my own six children when they were teenagers, I assumed that if I got the attachment part right when they were babies and toddlers, then we were set for all the years ahead.
After experiencing life with a teenager who was defensively detaching, I can tell you that living with a teenager is wonderful when the attachment is deeply rooted, but a nightmare when it is not.
The type of emotional attachment established during the first four or five years usually lasts a lifetime. The pattern of early attachment significantly influences the quality of love relationship an individual will have as a teenager, adult, and even as a parent with his or her own children. Let's summarize what research has concluded about the effects of secure and insecure attachment:
When maternal love is not consistently forthcoming, an infant develops an insecure attachment. In this case, the bonding with his primary caregiver is incomplete and unsatisfactory.
The quality of love a mother gives during her child's first years of life has a tremendous and long-term impact on that youngster. A life that could be described as emotionally healthy, happy, harmonious, constructive, and productive depends on the quality of maternal love received at an early age. This is a fact well known by psychologists.
Many children in our society are not securely attached to their primary caregiver. The reason for this, in my opinion, is that the modern capitalist world is simply not designed to support the needs of young children and their parents. We live in world where work, economy, adult needs and careers, short cuts, and convenience trumps the neurobiological needs of our future generation.
Parent-child attachment is a process that starts pre-birth and is not secured until approximately the age of 3 - yes, 3!
Attachment is complex and comes in different "styles" that fall into two basic categories: secure and insecure. Attachment security is not guaranteed, can be compromised, and is often widely misunderstood. There is no universal parenting course on attachment, yet there is a "pass it on" effect for both security and insecurity within ourselves and those to whom we are close.
