Although at times we feel alienated when caring for a young child, we do not parent in a vacuum. 

How we parent is shaped by how we were parented, family, friends, pediatricians, books, and prenatal classes, to name a few. I voraciously read every parenting book I could get my hands on. This is how I fortuitously stumbled upon the books that introduced me to the Eight Principles of Parenting that would forever change my parenting style. 

While volunteering for Nurturings, I thought about how my parenting strategies have evolved. Specifically, a local Nurturings group changed my mindset about how children should behave and how I react to my son.

Prior to finding a parenting support group, I often felt resentful of my son's frequent night-waking and always wanting to be held. I kept wondering what I was doing wrong. I kept trying to "fix" my son. I kept a meticulous diary of daily events including what he ate, what I ate since he was nursing, bathing, sunshine exposure, and other obscure activities as I tried to figure out what was impacting his sleep. I was convinced that I would eventually find the culprit to his frequent night-waking without resorting to leaving him to cry-it-out.

In my attempts to find a reason for my son's night-waking, I found a Nurturings group near where I live.

The group of friends I made in this group rotated my parenting style 180 degrees. I threw out the daily journal. I started to see him in a new light. He didn't have a problem. He was just acting like a little boy and was only asking to have his basic needs met. 

It turned out that I was looking for the answer to the wrong question. The problem was that I was unaware of the range of child development norms and the equally wide range of responses that would help him grow.

I remember one mama's advice to not count the night-feedings and her advice that "this too shall pass" and "they are only little for such a short time." My favorite quote was: "No mother has ever regretted hugging and holding her child too much."

I was fortunate to find a local group and have the support and knowledge from other parents that I am not alone. This in itself is very helpful.

Having been a part of a Nurturings group was especially important for me since I had been lacking support and encouragement in my attempts at parenting in the way I wanted to. I was more likely to hear advice outside of the group to stop breastfeeding my son at night and let him cry himself to sleep in his crib. It was through the Nurturings group that I learned that breastfeeding babies normally wake at night to nurse. 

We tend to get caught up in what people around us tell us about how to raise our babies: that your baby will be spoiled if you do this or that, that your breastfed baby should act like formula-fed babies, that your baby need to cry-it-out to learn to fall asleep without nursing. Understanding child development norms and having support in a variety of parenting choices makes a big difference in the relationship we can have with our children.

The closeness and warmth that the Eight Principles of Parenting provides to children is important for healthy parent-child relationships that support healthy child development.

This is where parenting support groups are invaluable. They can be a resource, particularly for parents surrounded by advice that does not promote nurturing. Nurturing parent support groups provide a local support system to families. After all, as the saying goes: "It does take a village to raise a child."

Who supports you in your parenting goals?

When I was pregnant, I could sleep anywhere anytime. I'd have loved to sleep through the first two-thirds of pregnancy. I could rest for 12 long hours every night and still enjoy a morning nap.

But there was one thing that kept me awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering and worrying: my son's warm body snuggled next to mine, his arm draped over my growing belly.

I'd pull him closer to me and wonder, What have I done? How is this going to rock his world? What is going to happen to my relationship with him?

The "what ifs" scrolled through my mind at a dizzying speed. How was I possibly going to be able to handle mothering two children, especially when one would be a needy newborn?

Each of my children were carefully and lovingly planned, but the moment that pregnancy test turned out positive, the excitement was immediately mixed with worry and doubt: I was doing the right thing for my family, right? 

I wrestled with that question.

I enjoyed growing up with a sibling and so would my son, I reasoned with myself. Lots of people have two children and somehow make it work, so I would be able, too.

Alongside each of these comforting thoughts, the worrisome thoughts fought for my attention. At some point in our childhood, my sister and I were no longer playmates and didn't get along again until she moved out. Would my children repeat this?

WORRIED? SEEK SUPPORT IN OTHER PARENTING FRIENDS

Eventually I reached out to friends with multiple children, asking them how they did it? Often, their comfort was well-meaning but not always helpful. I heard, "Oh, it just works out. You'll be fine," a lot. But I needed a response that was more concrete. When I heard this comment, my doubt retorted with "Just because they're fine doesn't mean you'll be."

I was thankful for the tangible advice these friends gave me. One of these gems of advice became my mantra, the most helpful suggestion I've ever received about being a mother of more than one: Don't blame the baby.

My friend shared how Mom blaming the baby for a change in routine encourages the older child to blame the baby when he or she feels jealous, and this blame can get in the way of the siblings' budding friendship.

When you are pregnant and your child wants you to play, tell your child that you just aren't feeling well today, but that's normal for mommies sometimes. (Don’t blame the baby.)

After the baby is born and you need to sit on the sofa to feed your newborn, tell your child that you just need to sit for a little bit and ask him to bring a book to you to read aloud. (Don’t blame the baby.)

I kept this in mind. A few months later, I remember my son meeting his baby brother for the first time. My older son was enthralled, mesmerized, and inspired...for about five minutes. After admiring his new brother, he was ready to play and go back to life as before.

MAKE PARENTING CHOICES BASED ON YOUR GOALS

In those first moments and days after my baby was born, I started to believe that mothering two would be okay. I saw how we, as a family, were embarking on a great new journey together.

Like all journeys, we've experienced some unexpected turns, bumps in the road, and vistas unlike we ever dreamed of. We've also come to some crossroads and needed to make decisions.

We've found books that support close friendships between siblings, such as the Boxcar Children and Magic Treehouse series. One unexpected twist in the path to sibling harmony has been a lack of support found in children's books. So many children's books explore jealousy between siblings and show fighting as the norm. Through careful selection.

We talk about families and the place that each person has in our family and how important each person is in our family. 

None of this insulates us from squabbling between siblings. There are still arguments over toys and protests of "It's not fair!" But my boys love each other through and through. 

It took a lot of conscious effort and problem-solving to find what works in encouraging their friendship and eventually their relationships with a baby sister.

When she is breastfeeding and gazing up at me with those big, beautiful baby eyes, I lean in and whisper to her, "You're so lucky! You have two wonderful brothers who can't wait to play with you!"

When have your children shown up for one another and supported each other?

There is something so fun about watching my older children mimic my parenting approach with their younger siblings.

When my second child was born, our oldest was only 2 years old. While she was very sweet with her new baby brother, she mostly just politely ignored him. I did catch her gently rocking and lifting her shirt to nurse her favorite stuffed duck toy occasionally.

When our third child was born, our oldest was 5 and definitely more interested but still mostly preferred to "mother" her dolls, carrying them around in doll slings and such, than to do much with her baby brother.

This last time around, though, when our fourth child was born, our oldest is 7 and is much more interested in helping to care for her baby sister. She helps with diaper changes, confidently hikes her baby sister onto her hip, and just yesterday asked to wear her sister on her back in a carrier.

I reflexively said "no," but then reconsidered. Why not, if I was supervising?

She was tickled that I let her try it out.

I guess, before I had more than one child, it never occurred to me how much the baby gets from having older siblings. Everyone seems to talk about the benefits of siblings to the older child: "You are getting a playmate! You'll be a big sister!" We don't hear enough about how the baby benefits, too.

I mean, my fourth baby positively glows when her big sister and brothers appear.

We call this fourth baby "the luckiest baby" for having three older siblings. Her every sound and cute, little motion is quickly responded to. She has a built-in audience when she notices the fan and starts moving her arm in a circle: Three little voices notice and encourage her to keep going.

I remember vaguely feeling a bit sorry for my firstborn when our second baby arrived, imagining the reduced amount of parental attention she would get, that she would be sitting around pining for my attention when my hands would be full with a new baby.

While this was somewhat true for the first few months after my second baby was born, she and her brother soon became inseparable and played together constantly. They gave each other much more attention than I would've been able to manage to give each of them one-on-one with me, even with my best effort. I mean, my patience for playing tea and reading toddler books is, shall we say, finite.

And now, these days, seven years later, I have to fight for my time with my children: They are so self-sufficient with each other. I had completely underestimated this part of a growing family!

Editor’s note: Sometimes siblings do not get along. Like all relationships, there are moments or seasons of conflict. Age, temperament, gender, and stage of development as well as the situation at hand, whether a child needs a nap or meal, and so many other factors influence a sibling relationship. Children benefit when parents take time to guide siblings in navigating these close relationships and the inevitable challenges.

What benefits do your children get from having siblings, even if they don’t always get along? What are moments of connection they do have?