My son is 7-1/2 years old and attends a local elementary school. The evenings can be a challenge. He is exhausted, and I have work emails to finish up and dishes that need washing. We are constantly negotiating transitions while trying to get our tasks done, and we don't always have the same wants or needs at the same time. It's easy to lose connection with each other.
This is why I was so interested in picking up the book, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting by Brene Brown. I was particularly interested in what she wrote about play. She referenced the definition of play by American researcher Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play:
- Time spent without purpose;
- You lose sense of self and don't feel inhibited or self-conscious;
- You lose track of time.
Dr. Brown has his own book, Play. Another resource I enjoying on this topic is the book, Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.
What I realized is that playing together helps me re-establish enjoyable connection with my son that otherwise gets squeezed out of my to-do list and schedule. Play can restore us to the simple joys of spending time together.
But there's a catch. The activity selected has to feel genuinely like play to both the child and the parent. Play for my son may include endless LEGO battles. I realized that I had a different idea of play than my child.
Going back to Dr. Brown’s definition, I compared my ideas with play with his definition. First, purposeless time felt like a luxury I couldn’t have. Plus, I preferred to spend purposeful time with my child. Second, I didn’t know what it meant to lose a sense of myself playing with my son. I felt insecure and self-conscious because I didn’t know how to play LEGO battles. Third, instead of losing tract of time, I found myself counting the minutes and hoping for the end to come faster.
What do you do when play for one of you isn't fun or even miserable? Figure out what you both like to play.
In her book, Brene describes how she sat down with her family to list activities that fit the definition of play for each of them. The overlaps determined how the family spent time together on weekends and what kinds of vacations they chose.
I loved this idea so much that I did the same with my family. Both my son and I love to make up songs and rhymes, lie in the hammock and read a book together, jump at the indoor trampoline park under disco lights, and play certain board games. We also made a "limited play" list for activities that we both enjoy doing for a short time but that one of us grows tired of sooner than the other. This way, neither of us has to give up some together activities that we enjoy even if it's not the favorite of the other.
The list has become a go-to resource especially when one or both of us are needing extra connection on a hard day. We're also playing card games more often, remembering how much we both like to play in the water, and have more connecting conversations during and after playing together.
If you’re looking for ways to play together, try the steps that helped my family find ways to spend enjoyable playtime together:
- List enjoyable play activities for each family member.
- As a family, look at all of the play activities on the list together.
- As a family, identify the play activities that overlap across all of the family members’ lists.
- Repeat this activity as a family every year. What changes? What stays the same? Do any of these activities become or remain beloved family traditions?
How does your family enjoy playful time together?