My son is 7-1/2 years old and attends a local elementary school. The evenings can be a challenge. He is exhausted, and I have work emails to finish up and dishes that need washing. We are constantly negotiating transitions while trying to get our tasks done, and we don't always have the same wants or needs at the same time. It's easy to lose connection with each other.

This is why I was so interested in picking up the book, The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting by Brene Brown. I was particularly interested in what she wrote about play. She referenced the definition of play by American researcher Dr. Stuart Brown, founder of the National Institute for Play:

1. Time spent without purpose;
2. You lose sense of self and don't feel inhibited or self-conscious;
3. You lose track of time.

Dr. Brown has his own book, Play. Another resource I enjoying on this topic is the book, Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen.

What I realized is that playing together helps me re-establish enjoyable connection with my son that otherwise gets squeezed out of my to-do list and schedule.  Play can restore us to the simple joys of spending time together.

But there's a catch. The activity selected has to feel genuinely like play to both the child and the parent. Play for my son may include endless LEGO battles. I realized that I had a different idea of play than my child.

Going back to Dr. Brown’s definition, I compared my ideas with play with his definition. First, purposeless time felt like a luxury I couldn’t have. Plus, I preferred to spend purposeful time with my child. Second, I didn’t know what it meant to lose a sense of myself playing with my son. I felt insecure and self-conscious because I didn’t know how to play LEGO battles. Third, instead of losing tract of time, I found myself counting the minutes and hoping for the end to come faster.

What do you do when play for one of you isn't fun or even miserable? Figure out what you both like to play.

In her book, Brene describes how she sat down with her family to list activities that fit the definition of play for each of them. The overlaps determined how the family spent time together on weekends and what kinds of vacations they chose.

I loved this idea so much that I did the same with my family. Both my son and I love to make up songs and rhymes, lie in the hammock and read a book together, jump at the indoor trampoline park under disco lights, and play certain board games. We also made a "limited play" list for activities that we both enjoy doing for a short time but that one of us grows tired of sooner than the other. This way, neither of us has to give up some together activities that we enjoy even if it's not the favorite of the other.

The list has become a go-to resource especially when one or both of us are needing extra connection on a hard day. We're also playing card games more often, remembering how much we both like to play in the water, and have more connecting conversations during and after playing together.  

If you’re looking for ways to play together, try the steps that helped my family find ways to spend enjoyable playtime together:

1. List enjoyable play activities for each family member.
2. As a family, look at all of the play activities on the list together.
3. As a family, identify the play activities that overlap across all of the family members’ lists.
4. Repeat this activity as a family every year. What changes? What stays the same? Do any of these activities become or remain beloved family traditions?

How does your family enjoy playful time together?

Happy founders month, Nurturings! As we celebrate 31 years of supporting parents, we are excited to share one of our audio recordings -- created at a time before podcasts were even a thing!

Back then, parents from around the world checked their time zones before dialing a phone number to join a conference call. After a prompt to click the mute button on their phones, parents could then listen in on a conversation very much like today's podcasts between host Lu Hanessian, Nurturings cofounder Lysa Parker, and a featured guest.

Click this link to step back in time with us to listen to timeless understanding and encouragement on the joys and trials of parenting: https://www.attachmentparenting.org/audio/20081006_teleseminar.mp3

The myth of perfect parenting is so pervasive that even Martha Sears, coauthor of more than 25 parenting books, was tempted to believe it! Join in on listening into this touching and intimate discussion with Martha about the challenges of motherhood and how she learned to embrace the imperfections of real-life parenting.

Ever since my daughter was born, my favorite part of the day is bedtime and not because it provides me with much-needed rest. 

I loved to rock my sweet baby and listen to her breath start to steady and slow as she drifted off to sleep. The fingers she had so tightly wrapped around locks of my hair would loosen, and my heart would nearly burst with love as I looked down at those beautiful, half-moon eyes closed so tightly. 

I swear that in the moment that a child drifts off to sleep, nothing on Earth is more angelic than the face of a sleeping child. 

Now, as my daughter has grown, our bedtime routine has shifted and changed more times than I can count. My daughter is going to be 2-1/2 years old next month. While she ends up in our bed at around 3 a.m., she likes to start out in her own bed where she can stretch out. She loves to have her Momma and Daddy put her to bed, and we are more than happy to do that.

When friends comes over and I excuse myself to put my child to bed and go missing for 45 minutes, or when I schedule evening outings late so I can be the one to put my child to bed before having a family member come over to stay with her, I find myself justifying why I don't just let my daughter to go to sleep on her own. 

The short answer is that I love this time together and I resist replacing this time we share with steps that always seem to require tears. I don't want my daughter to feel forced to put herself to sleep. She wants her Momma. It's my pleasure to be there for her. It works for us. 

I’ll never forget one night I was reading my daughter a book in which a child character felt lonely and upset that his mother was too busy to comfort him. While reading this, my daughter asked me why the character's mother isn't coming to him, and I found myself reassuring her that I would continue singing her to sleep as long as she needed me to do so.

After reading the book, I felt grateful to be able to help my daughter fall asleep. As she lay on her belly, I rubbed her back and sang. She held tightly onto two of my fingers for about 15 minutes before her grip softened, and she slept soundly. I kissed her on her forehead, told her how much I loved her, and slipped quietly out of the room.

My daughter won't need me to do this forever. Every day, I bear witness to her growing older. She is an independent, curious, brilliantly imaginative child. I can feel these moments slipping away, and there will come a day when she won't want me to sing to her and hold my hand each night. I want to enjoy and treasure every moment of our bedtime routine while it lasts.

Childhood is a fleeting gift. I love being her mom, and I adore the opportunity to be there for her whenever she needs me.

What is your favorite time of day with your children? In what special way do you enjoy moments of closeness with your child?