How often are you off in another world when you are with your child? 

Is your mind preoccupied with thoughts of a conversation or argument you had with your spouse? Are you thinking about what your friend meant by that comment she made about you? Are you scrolling or texting? 

You might be thinking about what you would rather be doing than playing Barbie, the work you should be doing, or what you have to get ready for dinner. Maybe you feel frustrated about the time you feel you're wasting, or are you longing for bedtime?

If your child's behavior is bothering you, listen in on your self-talk to learn your beliefs about the motives behind his behavior. If you detect guilt or concern about what others might be thinking of your parenting choices, you’re not alone.

Our minds are constantly filled with random thoughts, judgments, criticisms, worries, and fears. They make up our agendas and take over our consciousness. 

Many parents would say their children are of very high importance, and yet we all struggle to give our children enjoyable, undivided time together with us. 

I know I’m not alone when I find myself asking, how often am I fully present with my child, aware of what is happening in our relationship, seeing the situation from her point of view, and connecting?

BE HERE NOW

I'm learning how to put conscious intention toward being in the present moment with my child. It’s really difficult to do! But, in honoring my responsibility to our relationship, I’m learning to value the opportunity I have in my parenting role and acknowledge that my child is in my life because of the relationship we are developing.

Sometimes, I do well at being present with her; other times, I don’t. It’s like a seesaw, always a work in progress. I understand that it's not healthy to focus my entire life on my child and only do whatever she wants me to do. But I can’t be wholly focused on my to-do list and expect my child to center her life around my agenda. There needs to be a balance between my needs and my child's needs. I need to honor myself as much as I need to honor my child. It's important that I understand both of our needs and wants and don't get either confused.

Physical exhaustion from the activity of keeping up with a young child is quite different from the mental exhaustion that comes from self-judgment, doubt, anger, and rage of trying to control my child and force her to be who I want her to be or who I think someone else wants her to be.

I'm striving for a relationship with my child where we connect first to figure things out. While I make the decisions as the parent, I want to understand her needs and guide her instead of blindly imposing “by the book” advice.

I've learned to become aware of all the mental gymnastics I put myself through. As I become more aware of my self-talk, I’m learning to remind myself that it's within my control to change my thoughts and then I'm ready to prioritize my attention on what's happening now with me and my child more than what's going on in my head.

I can trust that those thoughts can pass into my head and out, like a train coming in and out of a station, without interrupting my time with my daughter. I don’t have to feel guilty for thinking something, but I also don’t have to take action on my thoughts.

THINK, THEN ACT

Let's say I'm in the supermarket and I am pulling my daughter away from touching a display and she begins to cry. The eyes of several passersby glares in my direction, and I am filled with embarrassment. 

What actually happens depends on what I choose to do about these emotions and how quickly I can take control of them.

It's crucial for me to realize that my emotions are determined by the thoughts and assumptions I have about any given situation, not by my child's behavior or words. 

The feeling of embarrassment is prompted by what I think about my daughter's behavior and what I assume everyone else is thinking. A thought I struggle with is what other people think about me when my daughter screams.

My immediate reaction is to pull her away and scold her for being rude. That may be a common parenting reaction. When I think about it, I realize this reaction is meant to cover my embarrassment and to show that I am in charge. It’s more for the benefit of what I think others want to see versus what might have been a helpful response. I struggle with this.

On calmer reflection, I realize that what I really want to do is teach my child how to express her anger or resolve conflict in a healthy way.  

If I treat my child as if she has made a recoverable mistake, she will learn over time that mistakes are normal and she can do better next time. She will have a positive self-image and her behavior will reflect her belief in herself. 

I’ve learned that, if I focus on helping my daughter through a mistake, we both have a whole different experience. 

I'm not ignoring or denying my feelings, and I’m not letting my child “get away with” something.  My embarrassment is real and understandable, but that does not need to drive my response. 

RESPOND OUT OF AWARENESS

When I am aware of my own thoughts and reactions, I can neutrally observe my daughter’s behavior and adjust my response to what she’s capable of at her age and in the situation as well as to what she needs. With practice, it is easier to accept the way I feel and accept the way my daughter feels, and this makes my responses to her more effective.

This gives me a sense of freedom. I feel like I'm better able to focus on my daughter at the moment, rather than be a victim to whatever I'm imagining other people are thinking about my child's behavior or my parenting.

When my primary focus is what is going on between me and my daughter, rather than what strangers in the supermarket may be thinking, I have found it easier to keep my thoughts on how to respond respectfully to my child in situations like her having a tantrum in public. I am more likely to have the presence of mind to say, "I'm sorry I grabbed your arm. I didn't realize how much you wanted to look at that display. I was in a hurry to get through the shopping list."

I realized at some point that strangers are more likely to be supportive of me being sensitive in my response to my daughter than if I reacted to her out of embarrassment.

Parenting this way is much less stressful, because I realize that it's not my job to change my child, or fix her, or control her. By appreciating her expression of her anger, embarrassing as it may be, allowed me to glimpse into my daughter's world and for me to then choose a response out of empathy.

I think this lets her know that, regardless of her behavior, I accept her.

TAKE A BREATHER

When I feel stressed, taking a few deep breaths works. There may be other ways that work for you to stay in the moment during a stressful parenting situation.

It’s hard to accept it, but it’s normal to feel judged. It’s normal for our minds to run away with a story of what we think others might be thinking. 

By taking a few deep breaths, I'm stopping for a few moments and that break in my thoughts is what I need to keep myself grounded so my mind doesn't spin out of control. It's easier for me to view the situation objectively.

My friends have had similar experiences, so I know that I’m not alone.

CHANGE YOUR SELF-TALK

Sometimes, taking deep breaths doesn't help as much. Sometimes, it works better for me to repeat a mantra of "He's not a problem; he's having a problem; how can I help?" over and over. 

When my head is full of comments like, "Why is this so hard? He's being a scaredy-cat. Just go to sleep already!," it's harder to stop myself from exploding in rage. 

I've learned that a lot of my anger comes from a sense that my son is inconveniencing me or disrupting my day's agenda in some way. When I realize this is my issue, it works well for me to think about how the situation looks from my child's perspective.

When I am able to check in with my feelings and consider age-appropriate behaviors, I am able to think through a situation, notice my own feelings, see the issue from my child’s point of view, and stay connected with my child. And I realize that while this may only be temporary, if it happens enough, my daughter may be learning that I can be trusted to really understand, accept, or support her. My daughter deserves my unconditional love.

Take a deep breath.

My nearly 3-year-old daughter knows what she wants and wants it "right now, Mama, right now!" She has also been involved in some "push and shove" dialogues with other children. The immediacy of her needs is expressed verbally with as much drama and whine as she can muster and is occasionally punctuated with a push or kick, especially when the other person isn't doing what she wants.

I was surprised when she started doing this. I wondered what I was doing wrong. Neither my husband nor I hit or kick anyone. In fact, we are striving to raise her to be as peaceful with people as possible. I am fully aware that it is my duty as her parent to teach my daughter to use her words when angry, not her limbs. I certainly don't want to raise a brute.

Where is this behavior coming from? Is it normal?

I decided to do some investigation. First, I talked with the childcare providers at the daycare that my daughter attends, but they had no reports of concerning behavior and assured me that my daughter has not been bullying other children. They told me that pushing and hitting between children of her age is normal child development due to:

• The frustration that children feel due to their lack of ability to clearly express themselves verbally and a lack of other skills that emerge in later development stages;
•  The immediacy with which they respond to situations;
• A test of cause and effect;
• The physical manner in which young children interact with their world;
• An assertion of their sense of self.

Various readings and discussions with other parents confirmed that pushing and shoving is typical behavior for angry children at this development stage.

I was relieved but still unsettled by a couple of interactions that my daughter had been involved in recently. In one case, my daughter shoved another child and yelled, "Go away!" The other child immediately began crying and ran to her mother. In another instance, my daughter told another child to move out of her way and then kicked her in the ankle. This child, too, began crying and ran into the arms of her mother.

It's uncomfortable enough for me to endure the crying of any child, but it is very difficult for me when it’s my own child. Though I was assured that her behavior is age-appropriate, my next thoughts were about how to guide her through these frustrations.

I rationally remind myself that I can't control my daughter at all times, especially when I am simultaneously attending to the needs of her 6-month-old brother, and that sometimes things would happen no matter how vigilant I am.

I thought for a long time about why those particular incidents bothered me so much.

My daughter has been on the receiving end of several similar encounters, including one instance when a child walked up to her for unknown reasons and poked her in the chest with a pushpin and another time when a child bit my daughter on the arm while playing. Neither of these situations kept me awake at night, though.

What makes me feel ill at ease is when parents of children that my daughter has hurt do nothing but look at me while I apologize and instruct my daughter to say sorry. My heart sank. I felt like I was being given the silent treatment. I was being reprimanded with silence. I felt judged. I felt like they were telling me nonverbally that they were better parents than me. I started wondering why my daughter was aggressive and their children were not.

I spoke with a couple friends about this. They said my issue was not between my daughter and the other children, but rather between me and what I thought the other parents were thinking of me.

It can be a difficult interaction between parents when one child hurts another, even if part of normal child development. Through these, and later instances of playgroup squabbles, I have learned how very important it is that parents of both children model empathy toward one another and their children, especially when our own child has been hurt.

Reflecting on the instance when my daughter was bitten by another child while playing. While comforting my daughter, I learned that the other child had first hit her and she had hit back before the other child bit her. The other child's mother and I talked to our children about their feelings and helped our children apologize to each other. The children hugged and went back to playing together, while the other mother and I continued talking and became friends.

I recognize that not all parent-to-parent interactions may go smoothly, but the goal remains the same: To gently, with empathy, socialize our children so they become caring, nurturing people. To that end, I feel that it's imperative to keep communication open between parents. Treating other parents with empathy during difficult interactions when one child hurts another models healthy conflict resolution to our children.

When it comes to push and shove, we need to help each other raise our children in the spirit of goodwill. It really does take a village.

4 Steps to Navigating Playdate Squabbles

1. Avoid blaming anyone - Instead, what I need is the "it takes a village" mentality in raising our children. I try to keep in mind that this requires the same emotional responsiveness between parents as we strive for our parent-child relationships.
2. Check in with my child - I try to remember that children need opportunities to work out disagreements on their own, but when parents do need to intervene, I find it important to ask my child about what happened. I don't only focus on my child getting hurt, asking her if she did something that might have caused the other child to hit her and asking her how she thinks the other child is feeling as well as how my daughter is feeling.
3. Confer with the other child - Depending on the ages of the children involved, either parent may need to speak for the child. I see this as modeling healthy conflict resolution until the child is old enough to do this herself. Now that my daughter is 3 years old, I don't do all the speaking but still help her along in the resolution process. Apologies are said, but then I find it important that the children are told what to do if they get to a point in a later interaction where one feels the need to physically act-out, such as finding myself or the other parent to help.
4. Conclude with the other parent - At this point, I find it helpful to point out that the other child's behavior is in fact normal. It's easy, as the parent of the child who hit the other child, to feel sad about their child's behavior and question their parenting approach. I think it's important to reassure the other parent. This can also help lead into conversation that may turn into a friendship.

How do you help your child resolve a playdate misunderstanding?

Nurturings tucks the research-based Eight Principles of Parenting into 3 parenting skills that academic literature shows are irreducible requirements for children to flourish:

• Shared "together time" with caring adults on a regular basis -- "Follow your child's lead with delight" is different from, and as important, as other time we spend being in the lead with our children;
• Soothed in times of distress by caring adults -- Empathy, hugs, nurturing touch, and "just being there" are as important, and different from, helping our children to problem solve.
• Shaped and guided in growth by caring adults -- Using proactive, broad, dynamic, and responsive routines allows parents to shape growth instead of struggling to keep up or stay a step ahead. Our routines shape the everyday interactions that shape our children over time. Responding to behavior is also important.

Focusing on the relationship creates deeper and lasting shifts that help parents see that every moment is a new opportunity for positive relationship-building.

We didn't do away with the Eight Principles of Parenting. We simply repackaged them into 3 easy-to-remember parenting skills that encompass the three "irreducible requirements for children to flourish" while easily flexing with family circumstances and growing children's changing needs:

1. Share Time Together
2. Soothe Distress
3. Shape Routines

Beautiful things about these 3 parenting skills:

• There are no barriers to any caring adult using these 3 skills with any child.
• These 3 skills are all easy to use, positive, and interconnected, building on and supporting one other, and getting easier to do and provide more benefits with more use.
• No child misses out as long as there is even a single adult in their life, at any point of time, no matter the child's age, who uses any of these 3 skills.
• The benefits of these 3 skills are felt faster and stronger when families begin using them through the "built-in baby basics" of breastfeeding, babywearing, and/or being responsive.
• The 3 skills also apply to adult-adult relationships, because relational health is a prerequisite for adult flourishing, too.

When have you shared time together with your child today? How do you soothe your child when sad, scared, and angry? How do you shape your child's wellbeing through daily routines?